Shock news: Bonking Boris lives next to a Guardian Reader

Well, it has been quite an exciting week, hasn’t it? It ended up with the police being called to Bonking Boris as his neighbour rang 999 after hearing a major row. What was surprising for Boris about this, though, is that the neighbour also alerted the press. The fact that Boris lives next door to a Guardian reader must have come as a real shock to him.

As predicted, Boris is in the final two to become our next Prime Minister. He’s up against Jeremy Hunt, who is so devoid of any facial expressions he always looks like a ventriloquist’s dummy. I just wonder who he’s being controlled by. So the nation faces a choice. Either we will get a man in charge who has a disorderly private life and who makes public gaffes almost every time he opens his mouth. Or we’ll have an emotionless robotic individual; no wonder they call him “Theresa in Trousers”.

Of course, the nation is not actually choosing. Only 0.24% of the British electorate will be selecting the next Prime Minister. When a similar thing happened after Tony Blair resigned, a certain Boris Johnson criticised the Labour Party saying that because Gordon Brown had not faced the public in a vote he had no mandate as Prime Minister and therefore there should be a general election. Strange then, that Boris is saying the exact opposite when he is in the same situation. Indeed, Boris has said that if he becomes PM he will have a “new mandate” from the country. That’s pure tosh, of course. But did you expect any less?

That “new mandate” will be to go to Brussels and say to the EU “Come on chaps, we’re British, and I’m not Theresa, so how about a new deal?” At last week’s EU Summit they made it even clearer that there is no new deal available and that negotiations are closed. It means that Boris will be sent home to prepare for “no-deal” – which, of course, will be blocked by Parliament.

Jeremy Hunt, meanwhile, has some realisation that a new deal is highly unlikely, so he is prepared to ask for an extension beyond 31st October. But, the EU has said that no such extension is possible unless there is a solid and agreed proposal from the British Parliament. And that’s not going to happen either.

So, whoever wins on 22nd July (yes, you have to wait that long) will enter a Brexit world of “stalemate”, It means either blocking Parliament and leaving with no deal. Or it means not leaving at all.

If either of them blocks Parliament to leave with no deal, their days as PM are numbered. If either of them stops Brexit, their days as PM are numbered. If either of them is forced into a general election because of the parliamentary arithmetic, their days as PM are numbered.

The one good thing for people who don’t want either of these candidates to solve Brexit is that it is inevitable that they won’t be in charge for long. Meanwhile, we can look forward to the prospect of the police being called to Number 10 after some wine is spilt on the sofa and the neighbours in the Foreign Office hear all the shouting. Oh, what fun we’re in for.

Image: EU2017EE Estonian Presidency [CC BY 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons