There is more than one pathway to Brexit

Multiple pathways to Brexit

Apparently there’s a pathway to Brexit. We know because Boris the Bonker told us so. Last week, he spent the day at a wedding venue near Liverpool where he had met Dr Leo Varadkar to sort out the UK’s divorce from the EU. He didn’t appear to spot the irony. Indeed, he probably didn’t spot much because the pictures show Boris walking through the woodland staring at the ground, while Lanky Leo (6ft 4in tall) tried to make eye contact.

There is, of course, a pathway that the Irish Taoiseach wants to follow. He has spotted Boris’s plainly poor plan of blaming everyone else for a botched Brexit. If Dr Varadkar had emerged from his final talks with Bonkers Boris all glum, it would provide ammunition in the coming weeks for Boris to blame Ireland. Lanky Leo is clearly having none of that. So, he emerges all smiles and happiness making us think there has been a mood change. Clever wheeze. Now, Boris can’t blame him. If Brexit fails – sorry – WHEN Brexit fails – Boris can’t blame the Irish because their final meeting with him was “obviously” positive.

Meanwhile, Her Maj has been busy practising her speech. That takes place today and she is rumoured to be going to say how marvellous “My Government” will be post-Brexit. Watch for gritted teeth as she says it. Poor old Lizzie. I bet she’d rather be back in the Palace watching “Homes Under The Hammer” and saying things like “Phillip….How can they be buying that old heap…I was sure that Charlie owned everything in Gloucestershire.”

Once the speech is over, Boris will be hot-footing it across the Channel as he is due to be at the EU Council in Brussels. Brexit is on the agenda and is officially listed as a “highlight”. I doubt that the European Leaders will agree. It is also the last item on the agenda after discussions about the EU budget, climate change and the strategic plan of the EU up to 2024. Boris will be bouncing up and down in his chair itching to get on with Brexit. Such fun.

Talking of bouncing up and down, that scandal about his potential affair with the American businesswoman Jennifer Arcuri will not go away. Apparently, he used to visit her flat where she pole-danced and gave him personal computer lessons. I’ve decided that I want to introduce a new phrase into the language and I need your help. Ms Arcuri has refused to deny that she had an affair with Boris. He has also refused to say anything about it. So, if anyone visits someone supposedly for one thing, but is getting another, I think we should call that “Pulling a Johnson”. It is much more appropriate than “pulling a fast one”.

It is going to be another monumental week. In just five days we’ll know if a deal has been agreed (it hasn’t). Then by the weekend, we’ll know if Boris will abide by the law and ask for an extension. And by this time next week, we’ll know how much longer we have in the EU. Longer than Boris wants is my bet.